WIBBLE Short One Act Comedy by Bill Jones LIST OF CHARACTERS PETER - a Clerk MELANIE - His Wife JOHNNIE - Their Son WAYNE - Johnnies friend Curtains open to the music of 'Red red wine' by UB40. We are in the kitchen of a house owned by Liverpudlians PETER and MELANIE Cranney They have one son, JOHNNIE. It is three o clock on a Saturday afternoon. JOHNNIE is out playing football for the local team. MELANIE is sitting by the kitchen table having a cup of tea and reading the newspaper In the corner of the room is a television set, the remote control of which is lying on the table next to MELANIE's mug MELANIE is awaiting her husband PETER, who has not yet surfaced from the bedroom having been on a retirement 'do' for one of his colleagues the night before. Music fades MELANIE Good afternoon! PETER Ohhh! MELANIE Nice of you to get up before tea time PETER Ahhh! MELANIE Oh dear, has diddums got a headache den? PETER Urrrgh! MELANIE And what time did we roll in last night then - or should I say this morning? PETER Uhh..dunno... It must have been about half one or so MELANIE Try about quarter to three. PETER Quarter... No way! MELANIE Thirteen and a half minutes to actually. PETER What?... MELANIE Well that's the time you woke me up anyway. PETER I woke you up? MELANIE Not intentionally, admittedly PETER Oh god, I'm sorry, was I dead noisy? MELANIE No not particularly. PETER I wasn't? so how did I wake you then? MELANIE Oh, doesn't didums remember den? PETER Remember what? MELANIE Being sick over me? PETER Oh God...! MELANIE Yes, oh god! PETER Ey Mel...what can I say...? MELANIE How about "sorry I was sick over you this morning"? PETER Oh.. yeah... er. . sorry... about... MELANIE So where did we get to last night my little puke bucket? PETER Dunno... .I remember we left the karaoke halfway through and ended up in this west-Indian club. We got a bit rat-arsed there and then I think we.. yes, that's right, we were starving so we got a take away. I can't remember if it was from the Indian, or the Chinese... MELANIE It was the Chinese. PETER Was it? MELANIE Yes - you had sweet & sour pork with fried rice. PETER How could you know that? MELANIE You were sick over me - remember? PETER Oh... Right... sorry. MELANIE Yeah.. sorry... So go on! PETER Well that's all I can remember. MELANIE Oh really?... The Chinese shuts at half twelve, so what were you doing for the couple of hours between then and the time you got in? PETER Honestly, I can't remember. My head hurts MELANIE Oh you poor lamb, my heart bleeds for you. PETER (Whingeing) But I'm not well! MELANIE It's all self inflicted, don't expect any sympathy from me. PETER But I feel terrible. MELANIE YOU feel terrible! How d'you think I felt at three o clock this morning, when I was woken up by a warm partially digested mixture of sweet and sour pork and Guinness... PETER I'm sorr... MELANIE And then could I shut you up? No. You went on and on and on... the drivel you come out with when you've had a skinfull. - Verbal diarrhoea? more like dysentery! PETER Sorry love I was only trying to... MELANIE And what about Mr. Wibble? PETER Mr.Wibble? MELANIE Yes, when you'd finished being sick, you threw Open your jacket and said "Tonight is your lucky night -let me introduce you to Mr. Wibble" and then you whipped it out!. PETER (Looking horrified) Whipped what out? MELANIE produces a banana and places it on the table PETER looks at it with bemusement PETER What's that? MELANIE Well, I'm no botanist, but - and this is just a shot in the dark here - could it be a banana? PETER Yeah... I can see it's a banana can't I?.. but... I mean... MELANIE That's Mr.Wibble. PETER What?... MELANIE Oh dear, Guinness induced deafness is it? (shouts) THAT'S MR. WIBBLE. PETER (reacts with pain to the Shouting) Ah!... Right.. Mr,Wibble. MELANIE Yes. Mr.Wibble. Surely you haven't forgotten good ol' Mr. Wibble have you? You said that we must guard him with our lives - Mr.Wibble can foretell the future Mr.Wibble will make us rich. PETER Eh?. MELANIE Yes. I've never seen anyone have a conversation with a banana before. PETER I was talking to the banana.? MELANIE Oh yes, you were giving him a right old ear-bending - and he was apparently talking back to you. You asked him for the winners of today's races and he was telling you. PETER looks at Melanie for a few seconds. A half smile appears on his face. PETER You're winding me up! MELANIE Really. (She reaches in her pocket and throws a crumpled piece of paper over the table to him) Take a look at your banana's racing tips - It is your handwriting isn't it? PETER (Laughing embarassedly) I was talking to a banana? MELANIE Yes. A banana that you said you had bought from a genuine West-Indian Voodoo Witch-Doctor PETER (Continues to laugh embarassedly) A witch doctor? MELANIE (Sarcastically feigning Laughter) That's right - (feigned laughter stops abruptly and her face becomes deadpan) - now laugh this one up. It cost you fifty quid! PETER FIFTY QUID? PETER slowly uncrumples the piece of paper and looks glumly at it. PETER I can't deny that it's my handwriting.., Oh god, fifty quid you say? What the hell could I have been thinking, MELANIE THINKING? You didn't have the equipment to do any thinking! You only had three brain cells left functioning, and they were the ones that control your "let me talk crap" centre PETER is not really taking this last statement in. he is staring quizzically at the piece of paper MELANIE What's the matter - Brain gone off line again has it? PETER One of these predictions says ' Peter Perfect 1.15 Bangor. MELANIE What about it? PETER Well it won,,, I heard it on the radio upstairs -Sports news or something. It was the name y'see, Peter -my name, it just drew my attention to it. MELANIE It was probably some tip you'd seen in the paper or something before you got rat-arsed. I bet the odds were rubbish. PETER I didn't catch the odds - it was just the name, Peter y'see. I'll look up the results on teletex, (picks up the remote control and punches a few buttons). MELANIE Don't bother on my account! PETER Racing results. ..6.. .3.. .3... ah ha... right... o.k. um.- Here we are, Bangor 1.15 Winner.. Peter Perfect.. twent. ..TWENTY FIVE TO ONE! MELANIE You lying hound! PETER No, honestly look... twenty five to one. MELANIE Pure fluke! PETER Oh my god! MELANIE What now PETER (looking at his scrap of paper and then at the TV) There's another winner here. MELANIE Cobblers! PETER Bangor.. 1.45.. winner...Dr. Dyno-..THIRTY THREE TO ONE! MELANIE Where... let me see. (Gets up off her chair and hurries around the table to inspect the piece of paper and peruse the teletext). PETER (Now frantically punching buttons) And another look.,. Bono's gift... twenty to one, MELANIE But,. What's,,. I mean... I don't understand.. PETER Bloody hell Melanie - look! - every single prediction is Correct - we could have made a fortune if we'd . . (stops talking mid-sentence and stares in awe at the banana for a couple of seconds before looking over to Melanie) My god! Y'know what this means don't you - It's true - this banana can predict future events! Both direct their gaze at the banana which is immediately illuminated by a strong red light from above as all other lighting blacks out. Demonic music plays loudly for a second or so, before stopping as the red light also disappears, and other lighting returns to normal. MELANIE (Stunned) You mean.. like Nostradamus? PETER Exactly!...Well, obviously, it's a bit smaller and yellower than Nostradamus, but it has the same gift! MELANIE (gobsmacked) Pheewww! PETER D'you realise what we've got here Mel? - This banana can make us rich - and I mean RICH! MELANIE Yeah! - betting on the horses you mean? PETER Sod the horses - I mean the big one. MELANIE The big one? PETER The big one - The National Lottery. It's a roll-over tonight - you're talking about TWENTY ONE MILLION QUID! MELANIE (Stunned) Twenty one million... PETER (Slightly hysterical) Twenty one million... I'd be happy with ten,.. five even.. Yes! Oh yes... I can just see the boss's face when I tell him that he can dip his precious job in broken glass and shove it right up his... MELANIE Peter - you haven't won it yet! PETER Yeah.. you're right. .OK... lets compose ourselves here, and get this thing organised Have you got a blank lottery card in your bag Mel? MELANIE Should have, yeah. (rummages in her handbag and produces a lottery card and biro and hands them to Peter) PETER Right. What do I do? MELANIE (slightly puzzled) Well, you mark off the numbers on this bit of the card and take it to the petrol station... PETER Not that! - I know how to mark the bloody card don't I? - What do I do to get the banana to predict the numbers? MELANIE It's your banana, what are you asking me for? PETER 'Cos can't remember can I? - you saw me last night - how did I do it? MELANIE Well... I dunno, You just sort of asked it things. PETER And it answered? MELANIE I think so. PETER You think so?... well did you hear anything or not? MELANIE No, I didn't hear a thing, but you seemed to - I thought it was because you were pissed! PETER Right... OK... so I just ask it then do I? MELANIE (Shrugging her shoulders) Think so. PETER (looking intently at the banana) Er.. Hello.,. Hello... PETER gently prods the banana with a finger, then looks up at Melanie who, nonplused, again shrugs her shoulders' PETER Hello... er... banana... hello, is there anybody there... is there anybody there... MELANIE Is there anybody there?... Your supposed to talking to The banana, not holding a bloody seance. PETER Well I'm not getting any response. Perhaps I'm not being respectful enough or something. D'you think it would help if I grovelled a bit? MELANIE You're going to grovel to a banana? PETER Twenty one million Mel... twenty one MILLION MELANIE You're right - go for it! PETER Ahem... Hello... Oh great and wise banana, he that knows all and sees all. We your humble servants beseech you... er...could you see your way to giving us the winning numbers of tonight's National Lottery please? MELANIE Anything?... Is it saying anything? is it? PETER (deflated) Nothing. Nowt. Zilch. I must be doing something wrong. I must have done it differently last night. Think Mel. Can you think of anything that was different last night? MELANIE Other than you being Rat-arsed you mean? PETER Aw Mel, give it a rest will you? I've said I'm sorry haven't I eh? How many times do... (Pauses as realisation hits him) Wait... that's it! MELANIE What's it? PETER That is! That's what was different - I was drunk wasn't I - It must have put me in a receptive state or something. Of course, all I have to do is get into the same condition again, and I'll be able to hear the banana. MELANIE D'you think so? PETER Well it must be mustn't it? That's the only thing that was different. MELANIE Well, if you think it will work. PETER I'm convinced of it! I feel it in my dangly bits - have we got any alcohol? MELANIE Well there's that bottle of stuff we bought at that boot-sale when we were in Ireland. It's almost full -d'you remember, we were afraid to drink it in case we went blind? PETER Y-e-ees. Well needs must I suppose - what the hell, let's go for it. MELANIE exits right. and returns with a bottle of spirit and a tumbler, and places them on the table in front of Peter who pours a large measure and forces it down his throat MELANIE Are you all right love? PETER (holding his hand in front of his face) Well... I can still see! Peter then drains the tumbler, and with much grimacing refills it and drains it again before filling it a third time. MELANIE If this actually works, it will be the first time that you've ever come home from one .of your binges with something useful. I mean... every time you get a skinfull, it's like you have "please rip me off' written on your forehead or something. You always come home with some rubbish you've bought from some bloke down the pub! PETER (slightly wounded) I wouldn't call it rubbish. MELANIE Oh, wouldn't you? Well remind me.,. what was that last little gem you brought home PETER I.. er.. um... I.. er.. don't.. erm.. MELANIE It was an artificial leg wasn't it? PETER Well... I,,, er.,. MELANIE It was wasn't it? PETER Em,.. well... yeah, alright. (downs his drink and refills the glass) MELANIE Yeah.., absolute bargain you said. Only twenty, quid, you said. Where else could you get a leg at that price you said. PETER Yeah, all right... MELANIE I mean... what the hell did you think you would do with it? PETER Well.. I dunno... could have come in handy for something. MELANIE (Incredulous) Come in handy for something? Like what?... Hopefully something useful like - giving yourself a kick up the arse! A wooden leg for god's sake... it was probably stolen property! PETER Aha, that's where you're wrong, it definitely wasn't stolen. MELANIE Oh, and how do you know that? PETER Well I saw him take it off. MELANIE Saw him take... You mean you let him sell his own leg? PETER He said he had a spare at home... He was desperate for beer money. MELANIE So you just let him sell the leg from under himself without a second thought? PETER Eh? MELANIE Did you even stop to think how the poor man was going to get home? PETER (chuckling to himself as the alcohol begins to seep into his brain) I expect he "hopped" on a bus. MELANIE Not funny Peter PETER drains his glass MELANIE Anyway, see if the banana will talk to you now. PETER (a wee bit tiddly) Ahem... Mr.banana... cooeee... Mr. banana, come and talk to Peter MELANIE What's he saying? PETER Nothing! MELANIE Nothing? - You sure? PETER 'Course I'm sure. It's just not talking. MELANIE You're obviously not drunk enough. (pours another tumbler-full) Get that down your .neck! PETER forces the drink down with obvious disgust and drains the tumbler. She fills it again. MELANIE And then there was that record that you paid twenty-five quid for remember that? PETER Record? MELANIE The one with the hidden message? PETER Hidden message? MELANIE That is really annoying? PETER annoying? MELANIE That - the way you answer by repeating what I'm saying. PETER Repeating what your saying? MELANIE (shouting) PETER... PETER Oh! sorry... hic, right MELANIE (Calming down) Anyway, the record... PETER The reco... ah yes, you were hid saying MELANIE Yes... The guy that sold it to you said that if you played it backwards you could hear the singer pledge allegiance to the devil. PETER Ah! yeah hic! but you get that on some records... I read it in the Echo. MELANIE Not on Des O'Connor records you don't. My god you're a soft touch MELANIE holds three fingers up in front of PETER who squints at them. MELANIE How many fingers do you see? PETER About hic! four? MELANIE Nearly there. (Pours another glass) Peter, when we become millionaires you're going to have to stop being such a soft touch, or else you'll end up giving all the money away to anyone who gives you a sob-story. PETER You don't have to hic! worry about me bellarny, I can be tough, and as lard as nails when I need to be. They can't con me, MELANIE Really... What if a little old lady told you that she had no money and needed a hundred quid, what would you do? PETER I would say.. Ha. I would say... Ha! you don't think do you? that I.., I mean, I wasn't born tomorrow y'know.. you can't just come here and.... what me?... Oh , I would say... I... um... What hic!, was the question again? MELANIE (sighing) What if a little old lady told you that her only friend in the world was her little puppy-dog called Andrex, and it had broken it's little paw and she needed a million quid to fix it? PETER (by now his bottom lip is quivering and he is almost in tears) Awwhaw.. I'd give her the money. MELANIE Oh god! I can see we'll have to get you minder. Never mind, I think you're about ready. (Holds up three fingers again). How many fingers can you see now? PETER (squinting and counting under his breath).. seven? MELANIE Close enough. Try the banana again. PETER Hello bister manana, come and talk to uncle Peter you hic!naughty old nana you. MELANIE Hear anything? PETER (Strains to listen to the banana then his eyes widen and he looks at Melanie) I can hear something, but it's very faint and indins.. insidin.. inkidin.. not very clear. MELANIE Good. One more should do it (pours another large one) PETER again drains the glass and sits there stunned for a second. His eyes widen as he directs his gaze to the banana then slowly grins. Melanie is studying his reaction. MELANIE What Peter?, is it working?, Is it talking to you? PETER picks up the banana like a phone, and speaks into it. PETER Mr. Wibble, hello me old fruit, it's me, Peter memember? Hic, why didn't you come out to talk to me earlier - (puts on a John Wayne accent) - You yellow or something. Ha ha ha... (Laughs inanely at his own joke) MELANIE (Cuffing him about the head to gain his attention) Stop messing about and ask him for the numbers. PETER Numbers? MELANIE Don't start that again - ask him for the lottery numbers. PETER Oh yeah... Bister manana, would you be so kind as to tell me which wumbers are going to win tonights rotterly? MELANIE (Holding lottery card ready for marking) What's he saying? PETER Yes... I see... OK... He says that they are starting the machine... Hic! The balls have droppdid... and here comes the first one.... and it's wumber nineteen... Now he can see the second ball... and it's number lev.. number eleven. the third ball has drop... has drop.. it's... it... (Suddenly looks very ill) MELANIE What's the matter? PETER I'm going to be sick! MELANIE What?.. Not now? PETER Yep... right this second. MELANIE You can't! PETER I must... MELANIE (Rushing round to PETER to assist him) Once again Peter Cranney, your timing is bloody impeccable! Quickly, to the bathroom. (To the banana) We'll finish this conversation when we get back! MELANIE helps PETER to stagger off right, and we hear the sound of PETER being sick, and Melanie comforting him. Enter left little JOHNNIE, the son of MELANIE and PETER, and his school friend WAYNE. They place their school bags on the table (obscuring banana from the audience) JOHNNIE then calls out in the general direction of the bedroom. JOHNNIE Hello... Mam... Anyone home. MELANIE (off) We're upstairs. JOHNNIE What's for tea? MELANIE I haven't made any yet! JOHNNIE Aw Mam, I'm starving. MELANIE Look, I'm with your Dad. He's being sick... It won't kill you to wait for a bit... I'll be down in a minute. WAYNE 'ey John, can we play that video game again? JOHNNIE Which one? WAYNE Y'know, It was called... Cycle... Death squid, or something. JOHNNIE D'you mean Psycho Death Squad from space? WAYNE Yeah! that's the one - It's brill! JOHNNIE OK then, c'mon. The two boys pick up their bags from the table (and unseen by the audience, also the banana, and exit left PETER, supported by MELANIE staggers to the door entrance, right. PETER (Slight panic on his face) Oh no! MELANIE What's the matter? PETER (Nodding towards the table) Mr.Wibbles gone. MELANIE. (Peering at the table - worried but trying not to show it.) Oh, stop panicking, It's not as if it can run off or anything is it? Johnnie's probably put it in the fridge or something. (She calls him) Johnnie? JOHNNIE (off) What? MELANIE Have you moved a banana from this table? JOHNNIE (off) What? MELANIE I said have you moved a banana from this table? JOHNNIE (off) Eh? MELANIE (Becoming frustrated, and still supporting PETER) Will you come here when I'm trying to talk to you! JOHNNIE (off) Aww.... JOHNNIE enters from left JOHNNIE What? MELANIE Have you taken a banana from the table? JOHNNIE No. MELANIE Are you sure? JOHNNIE Yeah. I don't even like bananas. WAYNE enters. empty banana skin in his hand and the rest in his mouth! WAYNE (Excitedly, through his mouthful of banana) Come on John, I've got to level five... MELANIE (Horrified, she points at the banana skin and screams) No! WAYNE (Completely bemused, he looks at his banana skin, then at MELANIE) What? At this point PETER hold his mouth, spins on his heel, and rushes off to be sick. MELANIE faints. And JOHNNIE and WAYNE both look in a puzzled manner at the empty banana skin. Music plays - "Yes, we have no bananas" CURTAIN "WIBBLE" Copyright (c) Bill Jones 1999